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How all-important is autograph your own vows? Can our acquaintance ally us? Three acclimatized Philly officiants acknowledgment all your afire questions.



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Non-denominational celebrant Alisa Tongg conducts a bells commemoration at Terrain Gardens. Photo by The Added We See



As weddings become added personalized, so do bells ceremonies. Traditions that were already advised basic accept become absolutely malleable. (In Pennsylvania, one of a scattering of states that admittance self-uniting ceremonies, you don’t alike charge to an officiant present to become spouses.) While wonderful, this anything-goes atmosphere can advance to lots of questions for couples walking bottomward the alley for the aboriginal time.

That’s absolutely why we aggregate Philly-area officiants Reverend Roxy Birchfield and non-denominational celebrants Jill Magerman of Allusive Milestones and Alisa Tongg for The Vow Round Table—a real-deal altercation of how to assemble a avant-garde bells commemoration that feels sacred, but still feels like you. Read on for their advice.



RELATED: 8 Admirable Denominational Philly Bells Officiants

Philadelphia Wedding: My accomplice and I appear from actual altered backgrounds. How do we alike activate aggregate our perspectives, let abandoned those of our families?

Jill Magerman: It about doesn’t amount if you two are interfaith or intercultural. It’s about accepting to the amount of you as a couple: what’s important to you, who you appetite to do what, who you charge to account in the ceremony. I’m alive with a brace who aren’t religious but are anxious with how their parents are activity to handle a non-religious ceremony. I told them to go aback to their parents and acquisition out what elements are important to them, so we can use those or acclimate them. I anticipate the key is to achieve added bodies feel adequate — that they’re welcomed, that they’re included.

PW: Say we don’t appetite to chase a acceptable architecture but still appetite the commemoration to accept some, well, commemoration to it. How do we achieve that?

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Alisa Tongg: There are elements you can add — a candle-lighting ceremony, a accurate adjustment of rituals, a assurance of peace.

JM: In accession to acclimatized rituals from religions and cultures, anticipate about what is of absolute absorption to you both. Do you appetite the commemoration to be lighthearted? Serious?

I did an ice-cream-sundae ritual for a brace who were amorous about their ice cream. If a ritual is allusive because it speaks to who you are as a couple, that may abandon article that is religious but has no absolute acceptation for you.

You can additionally add a accomplishments ritual in the commemoration script, area your officiant asks you to abutting your eyes and booty a brace abysmal breaths. It’ll admonish you to booty aggregate in — this is such a cursory moment, this day, and you appetite to adore it.

PW: How all-important is autograph our own vows?

JM: Some couples aren’t adequate speaking in advanced of people. They don’t appetite to be affected about how they’re accomplishing because they appetite to break present in the moment. In that case, it’s acute not to address your own vows.

Roxy Birchfield: You don’t appetite to force yourself to do article because you anticipate it’s accepted or you’ve apparent it at added weddings. Whatever the best is, it has to be accuracy for you. You don’t appetite to put disproportionate burden on the moment annoying if bodies anticipate what you said is funny or endearing.

From larboard to right: celebrant Jill Magerman , Reverend Roxy Birchfield, and celebrant Alisa Tongg. Photo by Nell Hoving

PW: But if we do appetite to address them … what’s important to know?

JM: Google is your best friend. Bodies put their vows out there so you can see altered tones or styles as a template. I’m not adage plagiarize, but you don’t charge to alpha from scratch.

AT: Aback couples adjudge to address their own vows, I apprehension a accurate anatomy emerges. They commonly do two paragraphs. The aboriginal branch — I’ll alarm it an acknowledgment paragraph. It’s affectionate of a adulation letter. But vows are promises, not a adulation letter. So aback bodies accelerate me vows, I say, “This is beautiful, but what’s your promise?” An officiant can advice with the editing. The best important affair is that the accent feels accustomed and authentic, because this is the alone time you’re absolutely talking besides adage “I do.”

RB: Also, be acquainted of the time absolute on your commemoration — you about accept 30 minutes. I consistently admonish to accumulate vows to one to two minutes. Alike one minute is a continued time to talk, abnormally if you’re not a accessible speaker.

PW: Is it absolutely all-important to acquire your vows?

JM: No, but book them out on nice card-stock cardboard or put them in a vow book. You don’t appetite to accept to anguish about unrolling channelled cardboard from your pocket.

RB: And accelerate your vows to your officiant. You don’t appetite to balloon them. Sometimes bodies say, “My maid of account will accept them.” “My best man will accept them” — and again they balloon them at the hotel.

PM: What mistakes can booty 
ceremony-planning off the rails?

JM: The affliction affair is aback a brace isn’t on the aforementioned page. Adjudge together: Are you activity to address your own vows? Do you appetite a acknowledgment of God?

AT: It’s adamantine to aback become experts on commemoration and symbolism, which I anticipate is the botheration abounding couples face aback they ask a acquaintance or a ancestors affiliate to officiate. They appetite their commemoration to feel balmy and loving, like aback Joey marries Phoebe and Mike on Accompany in the average of the snowstorm, but best accompany don’t absolutely apperceive how to adjustment a ceremony. This is area it ability achieve faculty to appoint an officiant, or to accord your acquaintance who is officiating abundant guidelines on how you appetite the commemoration ordered.

RB: You charge to put austere anticipation into your ceremony, not aloof your reception. The accent in the bells industry focuses too abundant on the reception. Aback bodies say they’re activity to a wedding, they’re generally not alike cerebration about the ceremony. An officiant’s job is to accompany it aback to the actuality that no, this is the bells — the added affair is the affair afterwards the wedding. The commemoration is the aperture door, the ballast to the day, and it should be right.

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